1981. Celluloid molester-, accomplished mindscorcher, Stanley Donen JUST gave you Saturn 3, the science-fiction statement in which Kirk Douglas reveals body parts NO MAN WITNESSES and goes away with his SANITY INTACT!
The facial expressions will invite you to develop fresh-, and way more proper definitions of Epic Endurance, as well. Follow the link < - deliberate repetition as an element of rampantly aggressive marketing strategy - to confirm, and to start finding the first 5 reasons of the infinite number of reasons of which all do tell you that checking out Saturn 3 is no longer an aspect of the known Universe you can safely ignore.
I suspect that the Japanese evildo... developers responsible for the Highly Illegal Space-Time Rift represented proudly by this here gem, have seen, surely MUST HAVE seen Saturn 3. The game speaks the language of Space Invaders, yet exhibits quite a few clever traits by which we must regard the title as one of evident aspirations and - as hinted delicately - immense evilness.
Is Evil the capacity to Harm without Remorse? HAH! The Satan of Saturn LAUGHS at your indecisive fumbling, puny human, being ready to confront you with the True Definition of Evil.
Muhaha ZISSSS, baby!
it has come to the attention of the Galactic Sanity Keeper Committee that the embedded Satan of Saturn video, as of the moment of this report, is no longer available. The Committee utilizes all its channels and its stupendous influence - including telepathic willbending and EMP bursts - to solve the matter. In case you see the video, then the Committee apologizes for taking fruity seconds away from the amazing accomplishment you relentlessly work on and call an earthy lifetime. You see: a Committee is a Master at worshiping Minutes, and a Grand Master at wasting Hours.
Enjoy and Read on!
The game gives you - illegally, I'm sure - musical sequences from Star Wars, combine the very planet name Saturn to it, and you have the era's quite effective- and quite relentless space punishment at your fingertips. Satan of Saturn demonstrates sublime deviations from the trends established/outlined earlier by its aforementioned primal inspirator, finding inventive channels to present a solid, fresh take on the genre. The ability and necessity to deconstruct hostile UFOs won't likely register as an idea you and your dog never heard of before, yet the monsters will exhibit multiple agendas and consorting, radically different movement patterns, all of which will accelerate based on the performance you dare to resonate towards the Satan of Saturn.
As far as the multiple agendas of the hostiles are concerned, these are as follows:
1. Destruct Player Butt.
2. Destruct Space Structure that Emits Player Butt.
The latter being the mothership that releases your shuttle each time you start a new level, or in case you have lost a life, but still have at least one left. The hostiles will exhibit immense, even EMENCE interest in killing off your only ally Death Star style, you know, little stuff into the little hole. Most of the enemy patterns - not all though, which is an interesting addition on its own - will incorporate the intention to reach the opening you see on the mothership below you. If you let even one attacker through, then the mothership is toast, and you are toast with it, baby, as there will be no mothership to give you another life. Sad, yes?
Let us conclude via eager nodding of our heads that this is a very elegant method to enforce the player to take risks and master the hostile patterns, as, safety gameplay will result in the UFOs coming through. You know they are here already. You know they are watching. You know they need you. You know that they are communicating with you through the television set. You have seen that all before. The message is so clear, so obvious, so evident! You know it will find you again. It MEANT to.
Well, where were we? Oh, yes! We covered the first portion of Satan of Saturn, that being the
segments in which the Planet Saturn spills UFOs at you to question your integrity and/or to eradicate your only ally in this game, the mothership. These initial attempts usually consist of six- or seven rushes you need to survive, - preferably by killing all the baddies, yes - then comes the second sequence that consists of an entirely different kind of rush: bombing. Two fleets will go for your sitorgan, one from the left, one from the right. Not all of them will drop bombs, but finding out (experiencing) which one will and which one won't, is the natural, effective field of operation of these great segments. A bad reaction to an incoming bomber is a good demise watched by the bomber hostiles. If you are the Bad Enough Dude to overcome the bombers - which, as it seems to me, are easier sequences than the first periods - then the game, instead of telling you to
GO *+,:@#!! YOURSELF!,
tells you ,to:
the GO TO THE SATURN screenshot
Letting you know that this is something the game considers a personal matter between it and you from now on. Saturn, according to the representation delivered by this here retroid delicacy, is a pretty hostile place. These sequences will reveal your pilot, I assume?? Not sure, really. You control some weird looking stuff, that seems pretty defendable, though. The game will put you against some crazy spacebugs, moving rather fast and unpredictable. They molest consensus from top to bottom with a perplexed enough intention of eating you up alive! Shooting is their thing, too. So, it's quite challenging, but, at the same time, rather refreshing to - "lure" the living BEEP! out of them, naturally. The spacebugs have the ability to teleport back to the top of the screen once they reach the bottom. In case you emerge triumphant against the spacebugs, then representatives of the Ultimate Defenders of Saturn will put you against a new kind of despair! If you ever saw a mosquito on radical recreational drugs, then you will face this challenge well prepared! If not - then you WILL! Meaning: you will see them.
Once the mosquitoes are out of the picture - literally, you feel me!? - the game tells us that it is time for the new pattern. These new patterns are the effective levels of the piece, and, according to my subjective, nevertheless scientific observations, they mostly mean a gradual increase in speed, affecting both the movement of the hostiles and their projectiles. This is how the game goes: three sequences to take part in with a gradual increase in speed. Where does the hinted Evil come in then? HERE:
See my amazing score of 99480 even the Satan of Saturn is completely baffled by?? Don't worry, I am not a Cosmic Immortal, or at least I fail utterly at noticing it so far: this score is the result of saving the game constantly, and reloading it when my ass got fried. I did this to see what the game has to offer at its end, and, here is True Evil: the game has NO end. The developers - I think, quite correctly - thought that no human being will be able to reach 100.000 points in their game, so, guess what: once you reach 100.000, the counter resets and you are free to wage your war on against the Satan of Saturn. And NO, I don't think the game could go any faster than it already is by the time you reached 100.000.
Does this take away something from the piece? Evidently, and here is why: I think you can get away with infinite gameplay if you are free to score - but, resetting the counter to zero after a certain point takes all aspirations away from continuing on. Heck, a
YOU REACHED 100.000, NOW GO GET A LIFE, NERD!
would have been awesome, I think. Without this, the Timeless Laughter of the Satan of Saturn still rings in my ear once I see an arcade cabinet from behind, but, the Laughter stays absent when I watch political debates.
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Wednesday, November 5, 2008